what I used

I use to crave this
this moment, epic and tragic
all at once, thin air
cold, cold, city breeze
numbs me

inside and out
I walk, in strife
I wonder and wander
about these similar sides
on the street where I cross
imagine you walking
I wait on the corner
the crosswalk man tells me
with the palm of his hand
enforcing the law
no walking

so I stand, right, where I wait
and I wonder you and I will
ourselves from that past
long enough so that I may get that
one last chance to change
you, look me straight in the eyes
and I avoid this gaze with all my strength
I feel weaker, but better, I think
so I leave you

to the city sidewalks where one day
I am sure, we will see each other
beyond what we were, and I will remember
I used to want this, crave this moment
that I would see you, see me, and be
I, in control, forgot to
forget you, and now, I believe.

you can't make up

"where's your friend?"
i ask her which one
but i know, she knows
she tells me, "you know,
the one..."
and i nod my head, say maybe
but i know, she is right
says she's wrong, maybe
i shake my head, say "no."
you're right, i know it is
he, was, my boyfriend,
i think, probably
"it was" she said,
no, not anymore
why? [she wants to know]
oh, you know [i say] sometimes
people aren't always good
"you don't always know,"
i say at first
"it just doesn't work,"
always, she says
forever is a coming
i'm here, at home

truth of the matter

being, that sanity
though necessary
seems to me
that must be
what drives me
insane, and crazy
nothing will be
made of paper-
mache poinsettias
drowning, glued in
guns and re-born
again, dumbed, down
drugs are the anti-sobered
point of view, excellence
deals with what is
and what i am capable of
destroying, us
creation, barnone

layers

lacking, feels a void
the version that's shortened
what's wrong with shortening
how about that is fattening
that now this, is too long
and i've got to start
stopping, before i fill
the world in a word
described in a phrase
condemned, sheer emptiness

what's in a name?

how many times
can one name
oneself, again
what's in it
for me, nothing
i say to you
please, respect this
and i die in your eyes
that's the worst,
that can happen, might
have you forgiven me, seeing
for this is the reality of things

names are intangible really
they're everything, though
you meet me, halfway
you would agree
had you forgotten so quickly
that history prescribed me
and now i am signing, off
switch of the flip
turn it, all over, now
call me by the chosen name
i sign, over, i think,
and it's magic

the moment i live in
is nothing, and everything
at the same time, it's given
that i name myself, again
this time only, i reclaim it
this is my right, to exercise
i move around, the room
fill the empty space
with letters that spell
out, the records of the latter, me
spinning lyrical tellings, memories
on countless tracks, to foreign beats,
flow easy in one ear, out the other
i  listen to what this sounds like
radio, channels in and out like us
our history has a filter, too
it took only one birth, to speak
the child's name, upon delivery we learn
this proves our fate is limited, to naming
life as predetermined, how simply
i'll respond to what you call me, until now
decided for from the first day of my life

all of the ways this betrayed me
i've forgotten, how sad it must be
to exist in one thing, but to live
in this body, is a sole
other, being false portrayal - reasoning
that labels me one way, so i must
go with another that i choose
this, time tells us, nothing of people
that we've assumed to be true is one thing
but to think it won't change, imagine
this is our second chance, we have life
to put to good use, what one must do
is the name you are the staples we choose

since

the drama's dissiminated
in theory, the emotions subdued
and family members, children
now grown, it seems obvious to me
that this, a work of art, is a masterpiece
given the mold of it's body, full,
distinct in the ways we decided, for it
would have to be handled delicately
if ever were any one of us to recover,
it seemed there wouldn't be room for leaving
one another all together now, committed to it
because there was no out for any one of us
the blame would be equal, and we'd share this
a process, for which we were all responsible
this mess would take effort, with intention now
we cleaned, some things we learned cannot be
left to one person, or handled individually
that would be something else, other
the reality, a structure unsupported, deficient
already from the ruins that we were
poor, without any model for this to be based off
how would we shape this life, and together?
i started then raising my own standard, alone
i was an example, for if this would be ours,
a collective, we, then each must play a part
with grace and peace I carried on, my own
heavy was this weight, that kept
gaining more negative attentions was the absence
what I formed from thought, speculations and progress
set back, all of a sudden I find, I'm always alone, now
in my own room, also a mess, has dismantled this
theory was one thing, I practiced and believed that
we were in agreement, we would make it,
this would work, but I learn, in my discontent
that despite a disconnect from this, this sculpture is solid
seems that it works now, I don't partake
because now that it's over and I put my word in
you do not need worry, nor call me, and you don't
you have no reason, nor seem too concerned,
nor do I expect any different, another way it should be
half the time from which the relationship spanned, they say
it takes you to heal, seems I'm done caring about that one
to prove them true, yet, the loneliness
what has just settled in hasn't a formula, a foreseeable end
Rest assured now, without anyone, what I've built here
Was left in my hands, in the afterwards, for me to deal with
As I, the defect, a regret, what reject, you left
I cannot shake that, now I work alone.

Ugly, Morbid, Honest

I have faith, or so I use to believe

but lately, it seems I can't get it,
around it, or consumed by another
one's supply of it, unfulfilling, too
an offering of generous provisions 
I share in it, honestly hopeful 
but better I know, the sooner I can
remember it by the truth, as deadly
it is not tangible, in actuality, it is a lack
persisting, though more often than not
gets the better of us, our thoughts, so we feel
someone else must correct, redistribute 
what was and always will be damaged
but, I spent the better part of this winter 
cold, I vividly remember days, trying to 
resurrect the past, with my skull cap on
I was covered, already I'd forgotten that
in good faith, at the very least, I believed 
that, there was love
I watched the pedestrians, all walking
crossing my line of sight were those
I could identify, visibly passing by me
the gays, the straights alike, I sat 
alone, wondering still what I'd done 
or what I could possibly do, in my right
mind you, there but hardly any case 
for  the law cannot protect you
nor deactivate the bombs that explode
beneath your footstep, as you carry on 
the land, taking it all, in the brunt of your weight
all that you carry is a killing, the plot of explosions
that set off, a timer, the bombs, will lead to your death

two thousand and ninety nine valentines

If no one else, I will love
you can count on that
my love is true
I listen closely to that voice
looking directly into those eyes
I know, best, in comparison to those
others, whom looking at doesn't redeem
a sense of self, when I look at this face
blankly, without any expectation for this,
myself, I am but staring at a mere reflection
and it reminds me, I must believe
I am loved, and if no one else
I can, count on me

small seedlings

i suddenly remember
i want to ask her,
deep down i already know
and upfront, i don't have to hear
her answer won't shock me
or be surprising what is it really
that interests me
in these incomprehensible
animal-like, wild life
characters you sketch out
for us, built out of these stories
real life, it's the symbolic that makes us
and you, subtly, recreated this
into pandas, and tigers, and bears
oh my! what talent you have
to have nurtured this, still
why? why write it down
read me the story
from where it all began
creatures estranged
in a word, goodbye

Killings

so consistently, we've owned you
history, conquered a greater future
for you and i sailed the rocky waters
survived the emotions in the waves
we rode out in the face of their reluctance
to accept us in the mirage of people
passed like we use to, embracing her small
structure, physical and new as he
to me he's reborn, livid and fallen
succeptible to the same risks
her influence clutches onto me
like the bumps that uncover me
unwillingly exposed, even less,
to die in the hands of a ghost
with which she leaves me
naked and chilly, alone
for my own understanding went
gone, with the desire she may once have inspired
in me, on the surface of my skin
i am worn like bristles on an old broom
with which you've used much too much
as the means for which you swept away
that sense of self, created in our absense
our ignorance in the interruptions caused
in the ax itself we are killing her
in our memory, i really couldn't weep
for this celebration is yet another occasion 
to find yet another reason for my own erasure
deemed magical, the future sounds promising
in that i am rewarded, yet another round
i remember her, blankly staring into the nearly distant
not quite invisible history
i can't quite mourn in his presence, not yet

Erasure: This History

as i stand by him, i settle into him, wake yet again to the renewal
another years membership of waking beside your friendship
across the country, still freezing
in my stubborn resistance, in this city's north
i hide in this tiny studio, turn the calendar page
and count my blessings because it's February,
i survive yet another half of season
first half was the ending of my most transformative summer
and when i leave the city next month, it will still be cold
it will still be winter, i will still remember
that 7 months prior i embarked on a journey,
it began in Chicago, upon my arrival
and continues, the only difference is-
i  won't be here, and certainly i will go
with a bitterer taste, in the frost, of your Chicago,
of a quieter and lonelier bon voyage
than the prior departure from the city of New York
i'd rather believe in the noise and the company to be had
if the streets on the east coast are overcrowded,
then warmth must be something i can expect to find,
if i could actually take comfort in the close proximity forcing me
to share air with the thousands of people walking at once
among strangers to the heat box, i will share in the big apple
the experience of several others, at once
and i will suffer tons as i whisper beneath my breathe
cursing, old women and young men alike had a language
at the very least, in the windy city, we were in it
freezing our asses off and simultaneously swearing
overhearing one another without shame for the commonality
must be with respects to the words that we would use freely
how cold and how warm were we to walk among bare sidewalks
and white asphalt, colder air, briskly walking as several brave
the constant breeze that numbed my cheeks and brought out my tough,
only rough winters would excuse this behavior
and like i said, i like to be here and when i leave
it will still be cold, it will still be winter
when i'm gone
the streets will still freeze
and i will hope only two happenings for me
in the experience of new york city
there is still walking and there is always drinking
if i am cursing at the same time that the old lady
standing beside me on the train platform, in the cold
together waiting, freezing, believing that soon the train will be coming
and, at least i'm not alone,
if i go to the bar and i'm encouraged to guess the card deck number and suit
hopeful that it will be one that was imprinted inside the PBR bottle cap
and grant me such beer on the house, then my bartender will remind me
new york is cold too, like chicago and fun comes like swearing old grandmothers
walking faster than they ever did last summer, and cursing the days that
confine us in the dressings of coats and things and what is only a colder winter.

lucky for me, everything's changing

like a free pbr
he promises
he proceeds
just like he says
if i guess it
i win
free drinks
two in a night
not so far off
not so accurate
the first time
diminished any sense of relativity
significance
in the face of a queen
of hearts we can only sense
and imagine to have actually known
before i assumed her
penniless
beer caps worth scriptures
that reward me with this
free beer, poor mans drink
closure from the past
no longer haunting my memory
just in passing, this fling's
like my love, worthy and persisting

a how too

linger in the presence of all things lost
superficiality and severity
are the same things
that control us
when i wish only
this one thing
to be reliquinshed
beyond reach
exterior to my carrier
my desire to control
i let go, let go
letting the city lights glow
forever, the fact which reality presents to me
changing circumstance, lasting
an ever-lasting this
a hard, long, goodbye
with blessings my life kissed
and presented with grace