Visitor

The truth is hard to bare,
so much so
that I take it to heart
I collect and bury all the realities
left unto me
piled are the memories
women and...
chatter after the one man
of all the office staff
is standing tall
behind the reception desk
grinning, his stupid grin
waiting
the silence has lasted long enough
for me to scream
but I don't
instead, I wait
and I write
I think about blood and gushing
things that my anger would destroy
I put everything that is killing me
right now into a poem
about your masculinity and male
priviledge
while I wonder why
they care enough
to engage with you
and I imagine
you'll survive to be here a while
I on the other hand go

This is why I left, I think
Alone I am hardly strong enough to
shake you, you confirm this fear
I have to get over- it happened,
you saw me, held the door open
I said "thanks," in my lowest voice
and you proceeded to misunderstand me
I know because I've done it too
before the glare that kills you get nervous
and say "yep," while assessing the threat I hold you to
in my direction you point
the question always is who are you but an outsider?
what are you doing on the inside, what are you
staring at me for, naming me "lesbian," by, belonger
you wish to belong to you your world and I disrupt
the lack of danger suddenly because I don't belong here
you're right, you also don't belong here but you try
so hard to hassle them, because that's your way
and you annoy them, I can see but what scares me most
is that I've been there, hiding behind little girl giggles and
aimless aggression that I shot in your direction
intended, daggers through a healed wound
because I remember

I remember the discomfort and
I can reflect and relocate myself
behind that desk I stood years ago,
adamant about filing my status quo
as female, playing an imagined gender role,
dainty, yet brave, polite and all, yet powerless
scripted and defenseless, she chuckles
make eyes with the older receptionist
she knows, and so do I
but the difference is I can't play up
I won't lie
so she makes nice and I hate him and
next thing you know, I am leaving the office
that remains transphobic
I can't tell you how many times
since I got to New York I've been ladied
and the urge I fought at every chance I had to disagree
but bound I am to honesty, it's clear to me that "GENTLEMEN!"
isn't really going to funk the binary,
I am not here long enough to build the community that
I see so clearly lacking, where are my genderqueers?
Gender-what? you ask, I say "that's me!"