for this child to live within us

leaving town you say
without packing up
i rush to the rescue
and verbal punishes
up on your ruin
sea creature
the beauty invades
her, journey inside
the depths of wells
heap forward, tread
the shallow waters
injustice is
a boys life is gone
in he climbs and falls
in, to examine his death
i rise from the bottom
from the pit of a chest
beating heavy though blind, slight
flashes before him
self-corrected visions
doomed in proclamation
for the faith that took
for me, he chose a direction
that forever robbed from us
the reflection of his own face
we willed, to commemorate him
ourselves, evaporated in thin air
all that divide us from each other
one, and an other, now come one,
come all together, one goes
tempted to meet this reflection
at the end of the tunnel,
darkness, as we found no trace
no sign of life, no beat, nor heart
survivors, our breath stolen
this child kissed life, one last time
first element then mineral now nothing
but the deceased we carry memory of him
though his body is gone.

what I used

I use to crave this
this moment, epic and tragic
all at once, thin air
cold, cold, city breeze
numbs me

inside and out
I walk, in strife
I wonder and wander
about these similar sides
on the street where I cross
imagine you walking
I wait on the corner
the crosswalk man tells me
with the palm of his hand
enforcing the law
no walking

so I stand, right, where I wait
and I wonder you and I will
ourselves from that past
long enough so that I may get that
one last chance to change
you, look me straight in the eyes
and I avoid this gaze with all my strength
I feel weaker, but better, I think
so I leave you

to the city sidewalks where one day
I am sure, we will see each other
beyond what we were, and I will remember
I used to want this, crave this moment
that I would see you, see me, and be
I, in control, forgot to
forget you, and now, I believe.

you can't make up

"where's your friend?"
i ask her which one
but i know, she knows
she tells me, "you know,
the one..."
and i nod my head, say maybe
but i know, she is right
says she's wrong, maybe
i shake my head, say "no."
you're right, i know it is
he, was, my boyfriend,
i think, probably
"it was" she said,
no, not anymore
why? [she wants to know]
oh, you know [i say] sometimes
people aren't always good
"you don't always know,"
i say at first
"it just doesn't work,"
always, she says
forever is a coming
i'm here, at home

truth of the matter

being, that sanity
though necessary
seems to me
that must be
what drives me
insane, and crazy
nothing will be
made of paper-
mache poinsettias
drowning, glued in
guns and re-born
again, dumbed, down
drugs are the anti-sobered
point of view, excellence
deals with what is
and what i am capable of
destroying, us
creation, barnone

layers

lacking, feels a void
the version that's shortened
what's wrong with shortening
how about that is fattening
that now this, is too long
and i've got to start
stopping, before i fill
the world in a word
described in a phrase
condemned, sheer emptiness

what's in a name?

how many times
can one name
oneself, again
what's in it
for me, nothing
i say to you
please, respect this
and i die in your eyes
that's the worst,
that can happen, might
have you forgiven me, seeing
for this is the reality of things

names are intangible really
they're everything, though
you meet me, halfway
you would agree
had you forgotten so quickly
that history prescribed me
and now i am signing, off
switch of the flip
turn it, all over, now
call me by the chosen name
i sign, over, i think,
and it's magic

the moment i live in
is nothing, and everything
at the same time, it's given
that i name myself, again
this time only, i reclaim it
this is my right, to exercise
i move around, the room
fill the empty space
with letters that spell
out, the records of the latter, me
spinning lyrical tellings, memories
on countless tracks, to foreign beats,
flow easy in one ear, out the other
i  listen to what this sounds like
radio, channels in and out like us
our history has a filter, too
it took only one birth, to speak
the child's name, upon delivery we learn
this proves our fate is limited, to naming
life as predetermined, how simply
i'll respond to what you call me, until now
decided for from the first day of my life

all of the ways this betrayed me
i've forgotten, how sad it must be
to exist in one thing, but to live
in this body, is a sole
other, being false portrayal - reasoning
that labels me one way, so i must
go with another that i choose
this, time tells us, nothing of people
that we've assumed to be true is one thing
but to think it won't change, imagine
this is our second chance, we have life
to put to good use, what one must do
is the name you are the staples we choose

since

the drama's dissiminated
in theory, the emotions subdued
and family members, children
now grown, it seems obvious to me
that this, a work of art, is a masterpiece
given the mold of it's body, full,
distinct in the ways we decided, for it
would have to be handled delicately
if ever were any one of us to recover,
it seemed there wouldn't be room for leaving
one another all together now, committed to it
because there was no out for any one of us
the blame would be equal, and we'd share this
a process, for which we were all responsible
this mess would take effort, with intention now
we cleaned, some things we learned cannot be
left to one person, or handled individually
that would be something else, other
the reality, a structure unsupported, deficient
already from the ruins that we were
poor, without any model for this to be based off
how would we shape this life, and together?
i started then raising my own standard, alone
i was an example, for if this would be ours,
a collective, we, then each must play a part
with grace and peace I carried on, my own
heavy was this weight, that kept
gaining more negative attentions was the absence
what I formed from thought, speculations and progress
set back, all of a sudden I find, I'm always alone, now
in my own room, also a mess, has dismantled this
theory was one thing, I practiced and believed that
we were in agreement, we would make it,
this would work, but I learn, in my discontent
that despite a disconnect from this, this sculpture is solid
seems that it works now, I don't partake
because now that it's over and I put my word in
you do not need worry, nor call me, and you don't
you have no reason, nor seem too concerned,
nor do I expect any different, another way it should be
half the time from which the relationship spanned, they say
it takes you to heal, seems I'm done caring about that one
to prove them true, yet, the loneliness
what has just settled in hasn't a formula, a foreseeable end
Rest assured now, without anyone, what I've built here
Was left in my hands, in the afterwards, for me to deal with
As I, the defect, a regret, what reject, you left
I cannot shake that, now I work alone.