just a thought

I was standing outside and thinking about a dance about people and bodies and stillness. These things cross my mind daily at an hourly rate on a regular basis. I was considering the performance, questioning the movement and my focus - my attention dismantled, my focus strong, direct perhaps obvious. I have terrible performance anxiety, it's no secret if you've met me. I am unnerved in the most simplistic of conversational discussion, debate and dialogue. I remember as a child growing up this form of fear rarely rose to the surface in my dance class or on the days before hours leading all the way through my small town studios annual performance. In fact I'd say that those days the "showy" part of me came easy, my ambition was strong as my ability to recognize and respond accordingly where my presence went unnoticed. Those days the roles were choreographed and in the safety of a local studio I could try that on. I would then slowly carried out the dance I imagined on my own time, never on the correct count or well enough to be the star. Yes I learned to try these things on for size and lived vaguely in a space hardly meant to be mine. I learned to NOT fill the role, to fail, and anticipate post performance you would look at me and no matter what I would know I'd failed, you were disappointed in me. I am redistributing these weighted thoughts unto braver ideas stretched out across my body's terrain.