I went to the edge of a cliff sometime last week and thought about jumping. If I were good enough, I'd swim to the top for survival I thought. I couldn't.
After all these moments I gather up inside myself and find that timing is still well, everything. I get it all down in miniature words. I worry that this has become what it is. Without fail, betrayal proves to override my theory. What are we but bodies anyway? So many things, so many each one of us is complex. But we live to survive. Go through it, I think - now I can become someone, else.
Life has a funny way of showing you with each self fulfilled prophecy that the system won't fail you. One plus one will always equal two. Numbers, seems I've been racking up the toxins long before it was waste.
You want to know what gets under my skin for all the wrong reasons but I don't. I want you to trust me, whoever you are, this is not enough. I could say more but somehow I know- it won't matter to you, some.
I consider the pace at which a small snail crawls. Without meaning to I've weighed my options accordingly. Without consequence there is no bravery. Without honesty all else crumbles and I find you: me. I am parting ways with beauty and embracing the body's faults, I fold back unto the self. My body bares marks and scars, some from history that I am learning to face the truth I believe in time, heals. What misery lurks in my eyes is not the death of hir.
My body is broken and I can see this so plainly.
You tell me all that I know- my heart on my sleeve, I am all telling. My face is a voice all it's own. In a glance that is telling "hold on to me but don't love me." In my bed is the memory of what didn't happen to me but the truth conjures up the truth. I learned to recover but I feel nothing that dwells on like this pain. I've created it, this story, in a sense all my fears and my traumas are only imaginary.
My sensibilities covered the sheets. The lies trained my faith to trust in the lacking and all the things- a person can't become. I kept on so ferociously, I never stopped fighting. I started first by tossing it out. But that garbage has no end. I notice that a box contains a lot of stuff but collecting things and confining them are too little space a space to expect that throw will rid me of it. I withdraw and walk away. I am able. I haven't stopped believing, so I strip.
I know that every time I get tripped up on tales, conjured up in my imagination, how unnecessary that was. Confusion. I clear the table and begin again. At the drawing board I see the plot, laid out for me and dried. In my head are the thoughts I'm never saying, I try so hard to not give in. But I want revenge.
The stop I make rids my body of symptoms. Writing's but another symptom I won't give anyone the credit. Whom do I owe my love to but no one, my words here aren't enough. I see words as associations and people in bodies, they get all mixed up. My demons, try as I might, won't be rid of - at least not this lifetime. Regardless of my faults, I am able to continue because I remember. Even when you won't love love exists. It's not tied up or beat down, it's not sexy, only ugly - there's a humble truth in every wall and speak of this seems arbitrary. But I don't want a mess here in this heart, I don't want a cover for my thoughts. I want everything and nothing but I can't help that. If space dictates what is between us only I am at fault for such thoughts which are difficult, times to tell us all the real truth.
train rides to nowhere, choo choo
Steady. Steady. Steady and clean and it's all but
this thing that you create, you don't dream.
I talk myself out of it while winding all around
the mountain tops are tracks laid before us
this time.
I don't want to go there but once you board
that train don't stop here anymore.
I can control this and I know it
my emotions sputtering and brain farts
everything gets blown way out of proportion
when your mind let's go, get's ahead of what's true
wandering
the busy lanes are full of traffic, signs that point
and lead you
no direction
but the one you're looking in is farther than the truth
I let it go, a gasp
a method I learned earlier on in
this non-existant dance career from the very beginning
my teachers told me to focus
I couldn't steady the pace or regulate the breathing
patterns are but a little wonder and once I got the hang of it
my breaths rotate like in my favor, forward motion.
this thing that you create, you don't dream.
I talk myself out of it while winding all around
the mountain tops are tracks laid before us
this time.
I don't want to go there but once you board
that train don't stop here anymore.
I can control this and I know it
my emotions sputtering and brain farts
everything gets blown way out of proportion
when your mind let's go, get's ahead of what's true
wandering
the busy lanes are full of traffic, signs that point
and lead you
no direction
but the one you're looking in is farther than the truth
I let it go, a gasp
a method I learned earlier on in
this non-existant dance career from the very beginning
my teachers told me to focus
I couldn't steady the pace or regulate the breathing
patterns are but a little wonder and once I got the hang of it
my breaths rotate like in my favor, forward motion.
Visitor
The truth is hard to bare,
so much so
that I take it to heart
I collect and bury all the realities
left unto me
piled are the memories
women and...
chatter after the one man
of all the office staff
is standing tall
behind the reception desk
grinning, his stupid grin
waiting
the silence has lasted long enough
for me to scream
but I don't
instead, I wait
and I write
I think about blood and gushing
things that my anger would destroy
I put everything that is killing me
right now into a poem
about your masculinity and male
priviledge
while I wonder why
they care enough
to engage with you
and I imagine
you'll survive to be here a while
I on the other hand go
This is why I left, I think
Alone I am hardly strong enough to
shake you, you confirm this fear
I have to get over- it happened,
you saw me, held the door open
I said "thanks," in my lowest voice
and you proceeded to misunderstand me
I know because I've done it too
before the glare that kills you get nervous
and say "yep," while assessing the threat I hold you to
in my direction you point
the question always is who are you but an outsider?
what are you doing on the inside, what are you
staring at me for, naming me "lesbian," by, belonger
you wish to belong to you your world and I disrupt
the lack of danger suddenly because I don't belong here
you're right, you also don't belong here but you try
so hard to hassle them, because that's your way
and you annoy them, I can see but what scares me most
is that I've been there, hiding behind little girl giggles and
aimless aggression that I shot in your direction
intended, daggers through a healed wound
because I remember
I remember the discomfort and
I can reflect and relocate myself
behind that desk I stood years ago,
adamant about filing my status quo
as female, playing an imagined gender role,
dainty, yet brave, polite and all, yet powerless
scripted and defenseless, she chuckles
make eyes with the older receptionist
she knows, and so do I
but the difference is I can't play up
I won't lie
so she makes nice and I hate him and
next thing you know, I am leaving the office
that remains transphobic
I can't tell you how many times
since I got to New York I've been ladied
and the urge I fought at every chance I had to disagree
but bound I am to honesty, it's clear to me that "GENTLEMEN!"
isn't really going to funk the binary,
I am not here long enough to build the community that
I see so clearly lacking, where are my genderqueers?
Gender-what? you ask, I say "that's me!"
so much so
that I take it to heart
I collect and bury all the realities
left unto me
piled are the memories
women and...
chatter after the one man
of all the office staff
is standing tall
behind the reception desk
grinning, his stupid grin
waiting
the silence has lasted long enough
for me to scream
but I don't
instead, I wait
and I write
I think about blood and gushing
things that my anger would destroy
I put everything that is killing me
right now into a poem
about your masculinity and male
priviledge
while I wonder why
they care enough
to engage with you
and I imagine
you'll survive to be here a while
I on the other hand go
This is why I left, I think
Alone I am hardly strong enough to
shake you, you confirm this fear
I have to get over- it happened,
you saw me, held the door open
I said "thanks," in my lowest voice
and you proceeded to misunderstand me
I know because I've done it too
before the glare that kills you get nervous
and say "yep," while assessing the threat I hold you to
in my direction you point
the question always is who are you but an outsider?
what are you doing on the inside, what are you
staring at me for, naming me "lesbian," by, belonger
you wish to belong to you your world and I disrupt
the lack of danger suddenly because I don't belong here
you're right, you also don't belong here but you try
so hard to hassle them, because that's your way
and you annoy them, I can see but what scares me most
is that I've been there, hiding behind little girl giggles and
aimless aggression that I shot in your direction
intended, daggers through a healed wound
because I remember
I remember the discomfort and
I can reflect and relocate myself
behind that desk I stood years ago,
adamant about filing my status quo
as female, playing an imagined gender role,
dainty, yet brave, polite and all, yet powerless
scripted and defenseless, she chuckles
make eyes with the older receptionist
she knows, and so do I
but the difference is I can't play up
I won't lie
so she makes nice and I hate him and
next thing you know, I am leaving the office
that remains transphobic
I can't tell you how many times
since I got to New York I've been ladied
and the urge I fought at every chance I had to disagree
but bound I am to honesty, it's clear to me that "GENTLEMEN!"
isn't really going to funk the binary,
I am not here long enough to build the community that
I see so clearly lacking, where are my genderqueers?
Gender-what? you ask, I say "that's me!"
Pink and Punked
I've got glitter on my lips and pink punk for hair
With the back of my hand I swipe the color off my mouth
and commit
For hours I planned this
So the eventual follow through-
I lean in and kiss you
I keep my hands away from your unstained face
My thighs are bare and my skin is exposed
It's cold in here
I sit in this kitchen, in this romance, and bask in this affair
I don't glorify the circumstance but thank goodness
for you awaken adjacent to my tireless body in the morning
I lay half asleep and half awake before any signs of leaving
With affection, with your words and routine, you bid me
To rise from slumber and sleep
I roll out of bed with this ungraceful infusion
You meet me somewhere between tongues touching
and an inch apart
My right hand hangs before my fingers are slipped
and we are intertwined
In only months we appropriated each others looks
Communicated in glaces and words
I gaze in your direction and recollect the before, the after
Pressure calls, our tangled limbs and stance, into question our status
The negative esteem imposed on my queer body
from the beginning of time, I learn to assume the worst
and protect myself,
No remorse here, a stone face hides this,
my pitiless pace, my fractured heart beats to my walk
I screen the call
Out from the corner store delivery truck
Screams a stranger disapproval
All your own, fears
but an image, an illusion won't take
you back there, swung your umbrella like a bat
at the circuit box and I'm curious whether or not
"That's beautiful love," as the stranger had told us
We got off on different sides from the same bed this morning
But life has taught us differently about love and such remarks
To me that love exists if only to slip, and then it seeps through me, my polluted veins and inspires my functional brain
At the seams I believe it to bleed onto everything
with every breath I reach, take back and believe this love is my own to keep
I pull my hat (that hangs at my hip) from my belt loop
Lift it over my head and pull the knitting down
I am covering pink ink blots and painted edges at each ear
I think that perhaps [if not for the hair] no one would recognize me
For my hair might be covered, now my hands unattached
"So, you two do really love each other?" he asks me
in the middle of the crowded sidewalk on a busy street
I file my central concerns in cubby holes and closet space
and find all those secrets kept displaced gushing out on me
Spilled thoughts are emotions and finally the paralysis, my body
stays steadfast and still stuck, I am frozen on this sidewalk
As I scramble for the words that won't come naturally
For me to explain this accurately, so I shrug and I scurry
10 feet plus distance have separated me from this man
My legs like my mind start running until I am so far from what love is
That I don't notice it chasing me halfway down the street
The man yells out to me-
"There's nothin' wrong with being in love, you know!"
"I KNOW!" I say, deliberately placed in accordance to my thoughts
So rarely sworn out loud and I know though I hesitate, that it's true
There's no question that I love him
With the back of my hand I swipe the color off my mouth
and commit
For hours I planned this
So the eventual follow through-
I lean in and kiss you
I keep my hands away from your unstained face
My thighs are bare and my skin is exposed
It's cold in here
I sit in this kitchen, in this romance, and bask in this affair
I don't glorify the circumstance but thank goodness
for you awaken adjacent to my tireless body in the morning
I lay half asleep and half awake before any signs of leaving
With affection, with your words and routine, you bid me
To rise from slumber and sleep
I roll out of bed with this ungraceful infusion
You meet me somewhere between tongues touching
and an inch apart
My right hand hangs before my fingers are slipped
and we are intertwined
In only months we appropriated each others looks
Communicated in glaces and words
I gaze in your direction and recollect the before, the after
Pressure calls, our tangled limbs and stance, into question our status
The negative esteem imposed on my queer body
from the beginning of time, I learn to assume the worst
and protect myself,
No remorse here, a stone face hides this,
my pitiless pace, my fractured heart beats to my walk
I screen the call
Out from the corner store delivery truck
Screams a stranger disapproval
All your own, fears
but an image, an illusion won't take
you back there, swung your umbrella like a bat
at the circuit box and I'm curious whether or not
"That's beautiful love," as the stranger had told us
We got off on different sides from the same bed this morning
But life has taught us differently about love and such remarks
To me that love exists if only to slip, and then it seeps through me, my polluted veins and inspires my functional brain
At the seams I believe it to bleed onto everything
with every breath I reach, take back and believe this love is my own to keep
I pull my hat (that hangs at my hip) from my belt loop
Lift it over my head and pull the knitting down
I am covering pink ink blots and painted edges at each ear
I think that perhaps [if not for the hair] no one would recognize me
For my hair might be covered, now my hands unattached
"So, you two do really love each other?" he asks me
in the middle of the crowded sidewalk on a busy street
I file my central concerns in cubby holes and closet space
and find all those secrets kept displaced gushing out on me
Spilled thoughts are emotions and finally the paralysis, my body
stays steadfast and still stuck, I am frozen on this sidewalk
As I scramble for the words that won't come naturally
For me to explain this accurately, so I shrug and I scurry
10 feet plus distance have separated me from this man
My legs like my mind start running until I am so far from what love is
That I don't notice it chasing me halfway down the street
The man yells out to me-
"There's nothin' wrong with being in love, you know!"
"I KNOW!" I say, deliberately placed in accordance to my thoughts
So rarely sworn out loud and I know though I hesitate, that it's true
There's no question that I love him
As though I love you
I'll listen to your stories
like my boyfriend's no matter
Clutch you in my arms
pet your hair
make you feel
better
I'll smile, nod your way
hold your hand
pay no matter
treat you gold
heart your name
come in to please you
like no other
When he leaves it's like
woah
what's the matter
when I choose what to you
when he's gone
it's like
rather
not pay you no mind
the phone rings
when you call
i'm like
princess, giddy stupid
girl
squeal, smile, all raveled
in laughter
don't you see
I don't mind
talk on
because my hearts sailin
on
a rafter.
like my boyfriend's no matter
Clutch you in my arms
pet your hair
make you feel
better
I'll smile, nod your way
hold your hand
pay no matter
treat you gold
heart your name
come in to please you
like no other
When he leaves it's like
woah
what's the matter
when I choose what to you
when he's gone
it's like
rather
not pay you no mind
the phone rings
when you call
i'm like
princess, giddy stupid
girl
squeal, smile, all raveled
in laughter
don't you see
I don't mind
talk on
because my hearts sailin
on
a rafter.
small slip
i am just a stain
a memory
you accidentally slip
me in your pocket
like emory
i start to fade
a memory
you accidentally slip
me in your pocket
like emory
i start to fade
The Frick of Frack
"Sorry," she says, like I've heard it before I choose not to engage.
This rifts her in mind, into turmoil
She screams, "I AM SORRY!"
My dear, shhhh.
I wish to hold her, in her arms she carries
Stories of long drunken nights and circles of close friends
Too close
So close and so high, we think it will solve everything
Dissolve boundaries of our bodies walls
Binding our lives and burning our fleshes, wrists
Arm out
Scars swallowed in laughter
We take it all back
Come back, she winces
She gets it together
In a story, she recalls
"Remember, the night we didn't need no one."
High hopes and bronze dreams
Blown deep into three keys
Obvious it is to me now
More than those aimless nights
Lesser pain, and violence
Quiet, quiet moments
Heighten the senses
And logic, look what it got us
"I'm sorry," calmly she clutches
At her sternum, she rubs
Her chest concaves
and relief
There's still that, we have this
No reason to apologize, I warn her
Breathe. You will be fine.
This rifts her in mind, into turmoil
She screams, "I AM SORRY!"
My dear, shhhh.
I wish to hold her, in her arms she carries
Stories of long drunken nights and circles of close friends
Too close
So close and so high, we think it will solve everything
Dissolve boundaries of our bodies walls
Binding our lives and burning our fleshes, wrists
Arm out
Scars swallowed in laughter
We take it all back
Come back, she winces
She gets it together
In a story, she recalls
"Remember, the night we didn't need no one."
High hopes and bronze dreams
Blown deep into three keys
Obvious it is to me now
More than those aimless nights
Lesser pain, and violence
Quiet, quiet moments
Heighten the senses
And logic, look what it got us
"I'm sorry," calmly she clutches
At her sternum, she rubs
Her chest concaves
and relief
There's still that, we have this
No reason to apologize, I warn her
Breathe. You will be fine.
NOthings
Things like people,
not easy to quit
Cigarettes?
I've got to.
But you,
I wouldn't.
So, I resort
Back to product
The wasteland
of cosmetics.
Red lipstick
Paint my lips, red
like a facade
I take substance, my place
And drink
Liquor in one hand and
with the other
chain smoke
Now my pallet is stained
Things cloud my vision
I will endure this
til I can't forget,
I've got to.
Sustain, I'm still standing
On my feet, tall are the piles of things
I am in ruins,
in my body
My lungs contract in threes,
short breaths,
and my chest aches.
And I miss you.
Won't you return
I'm not clear-headed,
my mind,
are these things
No, logic
for those that are.
The real, the true,
and deep.
Impassioned-
blind affairs.
I'll clip my cigarette
Like a bloody habit
Babies,
I meant it-
I will, love.
To be good, again,
I'll go there.
not easy to quit
Cigarettes?
I've got to.
But you,
I wouldn't.
So, I resort
Back to product
The wasteland
of cosmetics.
Red lipstick
Paint my lips, red
like a facade
I take substance, my place
And drink
Liquor in one hand and
with the other
chain smoke
Now my pallet is stained
Things cloud my vision
I will endure this
til I can't forget,
I've got to.
Sustain, I'm still standing
On my feet, tall are the piles of things
I am in ruins,
in my body
My lungs contract in threes,
short breaths,
and my chest aches.
And I miss you.
Won't you return
I'm not clear-headed,
my mind,
are these things
No, logic
for those that are.
The real, the true,
and deep.
Impassioned-
blind affairs.
I'll clip my cigarette
Like a bloody habit
Babies,
I meant it-
I will, love.
To be good, again,
I'll go there.
It is
It is what it is and this it is not:
I want, I want, I want
Escapism: Desires, confusion, passion
Ate riddles, mixed beats
To create my own rhythm
The search for love
Journey to:
The value of a life
That is not monetary
Likeness:
Does not result in measurements
Nor poke at the souls
With our yardsticks
Created distance
My heart: is a bottomless pit
To keep: the heart
From growing, in time
I am fonder
Don't care for: Quantity
For goodness sake,
I am not interested in learning
who to be
In being: Proactive
I just want to be
loving
Is: Quality
Desolate, barriers,
buildings on top of ignorance
Piles: self worth
not helpless,
pities won-
if deserted on this island,
I am not alone
Self Recognition:
The want to be
Good
Grown
and into several
powers and wit
All the while: Stronger
still stumbles,
still stone.
I want, I want, I want
Escapism: Desires, confusion, passion
Ate riddles, mixed beats
To create my own rhythm
The search for love
Journey to:
The value of a life
That is not monetary
Likeness:
Does not result in measurements
Nor poke at the souls
With our yardsticks
Created distance
My heart: is a bottomless pit
To keep: the heart
From growing, in time
I am fonder
Don't care for: Quantity
For goodness sake,
I am not interested in learning
who to be
In being: Proactive
I just want to be
loving
Is: Quality
Desolate, barriers,
buildings on top of ignorance
Piles: self worth
not helpless,
pities won-
if deserted on this island,
I am not alone
Self Recognition:
The want to be
Good
Grown
and into several
powers and wit
All the while: Stronger
still stumbles,
still stone.
empty
I reach for another
if only it could fix
this
memory: two days older
If only I could taste
The sweetness that first settled
Sour now
in back of my throat
Are the words I choke back
The emotions catch, rapid fire
Many more breaths to heal this
Countless before control
Consciousness is ridiculed
effort.
Monday I quit, you
encourage me to be strong
Relentless
I chew at my cheeks
over hours of restless sleep
I am considering
Batted eye-lashes
and a curl
The hips sink in deep
Tongue cheeked-
thrust in anger
like little poems
Contemplated slow,
small, deaths
In every little act
Violence
It acts like an intrusion
Sickle celled blood
Trans-
fusion
History
makes the moments meet
All between the memories of yesterdays
And tomorrow, I will bleed
You will take what I give of you
Throw back to me
The honest words anchoring
Beside me
I do not sleep
Peacefully, wishing for the simpler
days
Linger on
Growing shorter
Dreams which recollect a telling
placed strategically in my site-
lines
Where things like words you gave
Replace you in time
Imaginary
Speak easy now that I know
You, in real time,
won't dote on me.
But linger like pins and needles,
in a hot flash
gone.
if only it could fix
this
memory: two days older
If only I could taste
The sweetness that first settled
Sour now
in back of my throat
Are the words I choke back
The emotions catch, rapid fire
Many more breaths to heal this
Countless before control
Consciousness is ridiculed
effort.
Monday I quit, you
encourage me to be strong
Relentless
I chew at my cheeks
over hours of restless sleep
I am considering
Batted eye-lashes
and a curl
The hips sink in deep
Tongue cheeked-
thrust in anger
like little poems
Contemplated slow,
small, deaths
In every little act
Violence
It acts like an intrusion
Sickle celled blood
Trans-
fusion
History
makes the moments meet
All between the memories of yesterdays
And tomorrow, I will bleed
You will take what I give of you
Throw back to me
The honest words anchoring
Beside me
I do not sleep
Peacefully, wishing for the simpler
days
Linger on
Growing shorter
Dreams which recollect a telling
placed strategically in my site-
lines
Where things like words you gave
Replace you in time
Imaginary
Speak easy now that I know
You, in real time,
won't dote on me.
But linger like pins and needles,
in a hot flash
gone.
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